The King James Onlyists’ Nightmare

Last Sunday night’s big event came as a shock to the small church – the St James Congregational Baptist Church in Silock, Alabama. An elderly group of five men and women were participating in a Bible class when a young preacher ran and told them to leave their class and walk with to the nave.

“What is it, Pastor?” one of the ladies asked the question everyone was wondering. “Just follow me as quickly as you can!” he said urgently. “You’ll be in for a shock.” As they approached the door to the right side of the nave, everyone could see a bright light beaming radiantly from the square mirrors.

As they went in, they looked and saw a bright angel. Everyone fell on the floor and began worshipping him. “No!” the celestial being said in a booming voice. “You must not worship me for I am only a servant of the Lord, much like yourselves.”

The angel turned down his brightness gradually so that he appeared as a human being. “Is this better?” he asked the stupefied congregation. “Please. Everyone sit. I have come on a mission. Your little group has been chosen to come with me in a time machine to watch some of the greatest events in the Holy Bible.”

Everyone sat up in astonishment as a large translucent box gradually appeared behind the angel.

“I know all of this is hard to take in, but the Lord has scheduled three events of the Bible that you as a group must choose… What scenes do you want to see?”

Although the five people and the pastor still had their mouths and eyes were stretched open as wide as possible, one of the elderly women asked, “Can I see when God found out Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden?”

“So be it,” the angel said.

“I’d like to see is Moses parting the waters.”

The angel said, “So be it!”

Then a man said hesitantly, “Can I see Jesus as He was being tempted by Satan?” “So be it,” said the angel. “Now, let’s all get into the time machine and watch these scenes.”

All five parishioners and the pastor got into the machine together with the angel and they suddenly vanished. In a matter of moments, the time machine arrived in the Garden of Eden. They stepped out into the garden, they saw Adam and Eve looking down in shame before God who was in the form of a mist. The angel told them they would be invisible where they went.

As the scene unfolded God spoke to Adam and Eve in a language, the elderly travelers couldn’t understand the language that they were speaking. The angel knew what they were thinking and said to them, “They are speaking in an ancient form of Hebrew.” Suddenly, the group stared at each and they looked upset and the angel knew why.

Thirty minutes later, after they saw the two other Biblical scenes, they looked extremely discouraged and all looked a little depressed. One of the elderly ladies got angry and said, “Why wasn’t everyone in the scenes speaking in English straight from the King James Bible?” An elderly man shouted, “This setup must have been a scam! Those people from the Bible must have been actors!” “Everybody knows everyone in the Bible spoke old English from the King James Bible – the perfect Word of God!”

“Hey, where did that angel go? He’s got some explaining to do!” But the angel had already gone to Heaven to speak with Jesus. As he approached Jesus, he kneeled and said, “My Lord, it was just as You said. Those KJV Onlyists thought we spoke in the King James Bible’s English.”

Jesus sighed and replied, “Thou hast done well, my servant!”